Wise Advice
by Andrea King Collier, Sam Greengard and Minda Zetlin

A member asks: "How worried should I be about writing essays that are about people I'm in touch with? In other words, I've written an essay about something I went through that has a great chance of being published, but there's a chance the person I wrote it about will see it and not be happy I wrote about him. He's disguised somewhat, yet he will think everyone will know it's him. He's a prominent figure. Yet, it's a story I feel I must tell."

Minda Zetlin
Your question calls for another question: What are you afraid will happen?

Is this man in a position to make your life difficult? Or do you have a relationship with him that you would like to preserve? If so, then it makes sense to proceed with caution.

If not, what's the harm? Your question indicates that, while he may recognize himself in the piece, others won't. So you won't be damaging his reputation or invading his privacy unless he chooses to publicly declare it's about him.

Maybe you're worried that publishing this piece would be unfair or unduly hurtful to him. That's an admirable sentiment, but if you've done your best to tell the truth and be fair to everyone involved, then you've done what lawyers would call due diligence, and you should go for it, especially since you say it's a story you feel you must tell.

Finally, you say there's a chance he will see it, but I think we writers tend to overestimate the reach and impact of our work. There's probably an equally good chance, maybe even a better chance, that he won't see it. In which case, there's nothing to be concerned about.

Andrea King Collier
Your question illustrates one of the reasons why essay writing is not for the faint of heart. When we write our stories, it feels like we are writing in a vacuum, but we are not. Our lives and our stories happen in tandem with other people's lives. In essay, our characters are living breathing people.

This is something we must never forget. So when I teach essay classes, I always remind my students of this. Don't write an essay that includes someone else unless you are willing to receive all that goes with it. Sometimes that includes flak from the other people we write about. It doesn't mean that you shouldn't tell your story. But it does mean that in the end, it should be fair and balanced. Sometimes in my first drafts the other person may not come out looking so good. In the second or third draft this is often true too. But before I send it off, I take a step back and try to be as balanced and even handed as possible. I make it a point never to let the final draft feel like a rant. And I tend to show my own warts in an event as much or more than I do the other people. Does this make it all okay? Not very often.

Even when you are writing something nice, it can come back to haunt you. It is, my dear essay writer, a crap shoot. So be willing to take responsibility for the words you write.

Sam Greengard
Well, it seems you've already answered your question. If it's a story you must tell then you have to write the essay and live with the consequences. You may have to deal with an irate acquaintance or friend—and you might lose the professional relationship or friendship.

Perhaps the best way to deal with the possible repercussions is to launch a preemptive strike: let this person know about the essay—but only after it has been accepted for publication. You should explain the situation as diplomatically as possible and stay calm during any discussions that ensue. You should also make it clear how you have disguised his identity—and be sure you have actually done a good job at this.

You might want to write an old-fashioned letter or at least send an e-mail message and reaffirm the friendship while explaining your position. A heads-up may help. The shock of seeing one's name in print when it's anything less than flattering can be quite traumatic.

Finally, you may want to reconsider submitting the essay. Is the story so important that it could change lives or society in some significant way? What would you lose by not telling it (other than the fee)?

Remember, you have to be able to live with yourself—and any potential consequences—afterward.

Florence Isaacs will return next month.
Andrea King Collier, Sam Greengard and Minda Zetlin are long-time ASJA members. Learn more about them in the members' directory at www.asja.org