In our new monthly column, colulmnists respond to questions from members on matters of ethics and etiquette.

Q: As a writer, I feel I have an obligation to help other writers. I will go out of my way to help someone. If someone wants me to introduce them to an editor, I will. If they want a blurb, I'll do it. But I recently asked a favor of a writer -- not someone I know well -- and they turned me down. It hurt my feelings and sort of made me angry. Am I right to feel angry? It wouldn't have taken them more than a half hour to help me out.

Andrea King Collier
I don't think you should be angry. Generosity is not owed. It is a gift.

There are lots of reasons why we can't always respond in the way others would like. It could be a matter of time required. The person being asked gets to decide how much time is too much. And you have no way of knowing what else is on that writer's plate. If I am on deadline, I may have to say no to you. Or you may be asking me to do something I don't feel comfortable doing. I may not feel that it is appropriate to make a personal referral to my agent on your behalf for a multitude of reasons. Not all colleagues are going to respond in the way we think they should, especially if you don't know them all that well. I can tell you that there have been times that I have been inundated with requests for help. I try to be gracious, but sometimes it is a matter of getting my work done, even if it means not helping you get yours done. Maybe it is a moment in time, or maybe the person is not gracious. Let it go.

Florence Isaacs
Over the years, I've asked many ASJA members for help, including total strangers, and have never been turned down. No writer outside of ASJA ever said no to me either. In most cases, I wanted information like the name of an editor to pitch at a particular magazine or advice on how to handle a situation. We may have wound up talking for 30 minutes, but I never called expecting to take that much of the person's time.

On two recent occasions, I asked colleagues for favors that required a fair amount of their time, and they came through for me. However, I understood that they might be too busy to do what I needed or might have other reasons to decline.

It sounds as if you feel a sense of entitlement when asking for a colleague's help. When you say that being turned down, "hurt my feelings and sort of made me angry," it's as if you believed there was an unwritten contract -- that because you feel obligated to help fellow writers, every one else has (or should have) the same attitude. It's commendable that you are so generous, but that does not obligate someone else to behave the same way. Actually, one of the most important life skills is the ability to say no at appropriate times.

Russell Wild
Your anger comes from hurt. You feel rejected. You feel that this person doesn't like you. And -- who knows? -- maybe, in fact, she doesn't like you.

Perhaps she hates you. But so what? There are 6.6 billion people on this planet -- writers, cab drivers, rice farmers, professional accordion players and board-certified podiatrists. The law of large numbers says that some of those people are not going to love you. Is that a reason to feel angry? Not a terribly good one, no.

True, people in certain professions, including ours, do tend to help each other more often than not. It would be nice if it were always the case. But it isn't. Not in our profession. Not in any other. Let go of the anger, and get back to your keyboard.

Minda Zetlin
A few years ago, an acquaintance called, asking me to teach him to be a freelance writer. When I hesitated, he became belligerent. "I'm sure some writer gave you advice when you were starting out!" he said.

I'd have turned him down anyway because of how we knew each other: He was dating a good friend of mine and the relationship was turning sour. But his arrogant presumption that he could collect on a debt I owed someone else made it easy. If he'd used a carrot instead of a stick -- for instance, offered to build bookshelves in exchange for my assistance (he was a carpenter) -- saying no would have been harder.

The very definition of a favor is something that's a choice, not an obligation. And it's counterproductive to antagonize someone who has the means to help you. So the solution might be to offer something appealing in return to make the favor seem worthwhile. And if that doesn't work, accept the no gracefully enough that this writer may say yes next time you ask.

Send your questions for Wise Advice to newsletter(at)asja.org. Your name will not be used (unless you'd like it to be).

Andrea King Collier, Florence Isaacs, Russell Wild and Minda Zetlin are all long-time ASJA members. Find out more about them by accessing the directory at www.asja.org.